seconds 2

you put up the impenetrable walls without even thinking. drinking at bars was a way to take a sledgehammer to them but you couldn’t break through. passing a joint around a circle of friends maybe. some artificial light cutting into the night. but if you really want some sunshine you gotta take them apart brick by brick. you gotta be longing for it. badly  #katyamills

isolation (bad)

the stores were out of eggs. we were surviving on oatmeal. the highway e-billboard display bright like a star. severe storms. avoid travel. they left out the important part. severe depression. do not isolate at home. 

#katyamills

of the sun

across from the Bellagio

we watched the street performers

and the fountains a script of dances

night mistaken for day

the Cirque De Soleil

#katyamills

leaving Vegas

you hurl the core of apple out the window as we speed across the desert lands. Piute country. a wall of mountains either side. a federal prison. a reservation. we break west through an ancient pine cone forest. we stop so you can pee. 7000 feet high. spell our names in the snow. 

#katyamills

or.gan

the fog made us
less visible and we liked it 
in the distance 

an organ was crashing

we lost our manners

a bedside voice whispering 

will you want to stay

on the earth? tell us

though we are scared you will leave us

tell us please

so we know your true

wishes

#katyamills 

mouth

she rustled around for small bills 

and change

poured the dregs of french roast

down her throat

dressed in many layers she

limped to the store by her cane

not caring how she came off

her mouth would get her out 

of any trouble it got her in

#katyamills

model i

leavin legacy 

behind 

i drift the solar 

systems 

young model 

outfitted  

for space

shot through 

the heart

by stars

#katyamills

re.po

when the repo came

to repossess

the sorry souls

middle of making

a dissonant morning

love

digress

#katyamills

the i that was not

you said 

you carried conversations in your head with me like i was there

when i was not

you said i said 

i love you

i kissed your head i said 

the i that was not i was true 

because i do

#katyamills

the best

she was worrying about whether or not he would make a good father especially given that it wasn’t his son. she thought he was the right type because he talked well like someone who was educated and he was. he had a degree. he could get all kinds of jobs and make them all kinds of money so she wouldn’t have to bend over backward sewing buttons on thrift store clothes before walking the kid to school. yes, she thought, he could become a classic sorta breadwinner if it weren’t for that other thing in the way right now. but they was young, he was young and still needed some encouragement in the right direction. she could provide it but she hadn’t and she better start soon. but it was hard because when he got home from work he was usually pretty keyed up and wanted to relax. and she had the prescription pills and felt bad or like she wanted to help and gave him one he washed down with a beer to relax. what harm? it’s not like one turned into two or two into three. not with him. maybe her. god she was pregnant and if the daddy was who she thought it was, he was no good. she didn’t even want to know because his knowing might mean he might want to get involved in all the wrong ways. file for custody just because he hated her guts and didn’t want her happy? with child. no. she didn’t want to know. best thing for her. best thing for the baby. move on and get with a good kind of guy who could really be supportive and fuck the rest. if she couldn’t find one of those, i mean, if he wasn’t the one either, then hell, she could just raise the kid herself. plenty of women did it. even her friend Donna. she was exhausted with rings under her eyes by now, looking like she aged ten years, but still she was doing it. i guess you gotta let go of yourself, your pride, your vanity, and just be the best mom. she knew she could do that. her modeling career never exactly took off and she hated the industry. all the scumbags who offered photoshoots then never paid what they promised they would. demanding the negatives and getting the run around, or worse, being called a bitch a thousand times for asking. fuck all that. she was gonna focus on being the best.    #katyamills