the best

she was worrying about whether or not he would make a good father especially given that it wasn’t his son. she thought he was the right type because he talked well like someone who was educated and he was. he had a degree. he could get all kinds of jobs and make them all kinds of money so she wouldn’t have to bend over backward sewing buttons on thrift store clothes before walking the kid to school. yes, she thought, he could become a classic sorta breadwinner if it weren’t for that other thing in the way right now. but they was young, he was young and still needed some encouragement in the right direction. she could provide it but she hadn’t and she better start soon. but it was hard because when he got home from work he was usually pretty keyed up and wanted to relax. and she had the prescription pills and felt bad or like she wanted to help and gave him one he washed down with a beer to relax. what harm? it’s not like one turned into two or two into three. not with him. maybe her. god she was pregnant and if the daddy was who she thought it was, he was no good. she didn’t even want to know because his knowing might mean he might want to get involved in all the wrong ways. file for custody just because he hated her guts and didn’t want her happy? with child. no. she didn’t want to know. best thing for her. best thing for the baby. move on and get with a good kind of guy who could really be supportive and fuck the rest. if she couldn’t find one of those, i mean, if he wasn’t the one either, then hell, she could just raise the kid herself. plenty of women did it. even her friend Donna. she was exhausted with rings under her eyes by now, looking like she aged ten years, but still she was doing it. i guess you gotta let go of yourself, your pride, your vanity, and just be the best mom. she knew she could do that. her modeling career never exactly took off and she hated the industry. all the scumbags who offered photoshoots then never paid what they promised they would. demanding the negatives and getting the run around, or worse, being called a bitch a thousand times for asking. fuck all that. she was gonna focus on being the best.    #katyamills

sky casino

 walking away

broken bottles in the lot

hearts a little heavy

i know this place wasn’t nothing 

without you

the dreams we conjured

when we doubled down

and won

oh to get away from the world

dying together 

when the pill dropped 

on red

i would happily die 

a thousand times

by your side

#katyamills

8.10

there was a way. you could not go to bed a moment after nine. you could listen to the BBC and lie there between sleep and consciousness, or actually fall asleep. you could not get up a moment before five. you had to care for the animals before yourself. stretch the body and mind. you could say a prayer if you believed in gods or try to get your true feelings out. then a cold and hot shower for to see both sides of life. some boiled oats with sugar and coffee. there was no other way and the rules they kinda made themselves. #katyamills

old model ford

we pushed past cobwebs

got her tires up. compressor plugged into the cig lighter

her battery would take some time to charge

so we all sat around together waiting on this old model ford 

the old man pronounced the virtues of a burro over a horse

when traversing mountainous country

how to get pure drinking water by digging a hole beside a river 

how the best place to hide 

when running from somebody

is the cemetery   

#katyamills

un.con 39

in the thirty-ninth year on earth the uncon appeared and became conscious. a new formidable player in my life. uninvited. she had to be held up at the gate, a credentials check was imperative. this puppy has some torque to her, i thought, my adrenaline rising at the sight of her. she might turn over the apple cart (the stomach the sole beneficiary). i made a quick decision and i killed her – with kindness. i could no longer survive being conned.  #katyamills

impressions from a dream

i had a dream. you were standing in line for concert tickets. for us. i was waiting in the car outside. i could see you through the glass. when you got back to me i realized you only bought one. for yourself. we had a big fight. i was outraged again. you could see i was hurt and nothing could be done about it. emotional i pulled away from the curb. deep in the heart of a city. i was full of adrenaline and losing it. i stepped on it and drove that old Chevy into a subway enclosure. bloody stepping out on the street. you were okay, more worried for me. someone called for an ambulance. then we could hear the sirens. you embraced me. i finally got it. you cared. i couldn’t calm down.  #katyamills

go on. be infinite

delivering packages on a bike

i am pumping legs

exhaust through my nostrils

the city a living breathing monster

the cars are out to kill us

flat on my back 

staring up between skyscrapers

blood trickling down the side of my mouth

i am no longer finite i am

a strange peace

#katyamills

(meditation on a story i am writing)