The urban eye coalition of oakland, a subsidiary of watching you watching me, circa 2003, has pushed through new legislation this week.
The joint congress of the Alameda county kangaroo court, has sprung
upon our good citizens and residents of the big (and mad) O,
A stirring mandate aimed at protecting us from the now studied and clearly confirmed blight of cell phone thefts on our streets.
As of January 1st, 2013, all citizens are to report to the urban eye coalitions clinic, a large unsightly concrete structure on a block just down Mandela parkway and to the left.
You know, Where all those rundown Victorians have been bought up by the nouveau rich and given makeovers to face the
Approaching encroaching gentrification parade. Near that elementary school they turned into oakland police headquarters to combat the violence familiar to the Lower Bottoms.
There we will be able to sign up for or opt out of the mandated legislations proposed solution to cell phone crime waves.
The large undertaking falls under a branch in california consumer affairs as the Optimal Vision project. Those who sign up will be given a number and a tube of Lidocaine 6%, and sent to a surgical prep area where they are to await eyelid extraction. An outpatient procedure performed by an unremarkable cast of scab opthamologists hired in lieu of the licensed professionals, most of whom have joined the strike organized by the licensing board of Opthalmology.
So the desperation
to stop crime in Oakland has fallen to new lows. The medical field has been circumvented so to afford us the opportunity to be ever vigilant as individuals to see criminal activity 24/7 with eyes wide open. Literally.
Never mind the luxuries our eyelids afford us. You know. The ability to block light and settle into sleep. The protection and insulation of one our most delicate yet essential organs.
The ability to shield ourselves from some of the atrocities we may stumble upon walking the streets of
our fair city.
And above all these functions of the eyeli overlooked by the legislators, the strongest argument I have against having the state remove my eyelids… what will I do with all my mascara? My god! No eyelids? What a fashion faux pas! In the name of crime prevention? I don’t think so. I will take my chances, thank you very much.