cold steel got love

cold steel got love 
by Katya Mills 

i remember this well. the cold steel in your eyes reflected off the glass of high rise buildings and bottlecaps rolled flat into the street. in opposition to the glossy sky, the kinda deep blue you rarely see anymore in a city. we got together around the time Drake cut his first album which went viral before viral was an expression. the best album. life got crazy for us back then, the whole of us, maybe a core of ten or twenty related intrinsically to a greater constellation, maybe fifty or sixty or more popping off the skin of the larger community. a bunch of anti-establishment mad motherfuckers with nowhere to go just live for today. you won me over quickly, at a time when i was in a lot of pain, my cousin had died, i couldn’t make the funeral, my job was hell and life was like a bad breakup. your life was hell and we both knew nothing of a future until it appeared and it was us. something special had arrived. sometimes Hollywood comes out of nowhere, anywhere, thin air like. now Hollywood is Hollywood and behind the scenes it’s all one giant character assassination. but it’s a damn good show if that’s what it takes to create it. you cannot help but fall in love with it. everything decompensates around it. between us we formed a concept. it was our little secret and there could be no dissent. when you feel this, you know this. magic. real end of the rainbow shit. storybook status. like we already made history, before we made it. cold steel got love like us. cold steel got love.

a prayer

i want only to live my life and let you go, please, may i have the courage to walk away and wish you well, healing and happiness and all the things cash cannot buy. no matter how many phone numbers are blocked, hurtful text messages deleted,  email addresses registered as spam; no matter how many doors i lock and photos i delete and letters i recycle, nothing changes unless i settle with myself. yes i am branded, yes i wear your imprint on my heart. and how can i regret, what with all the goodness you gave me before we fell out? those moments in love were unbelievable. i am incredulous, shocked, having lost you. years have passed and still you find a way to me. to hurt me some more with the painful rewriting of our history. please forgive me, but i must for my spirit and forever walk away from you. when i remember you, i promise to try and remember when you were the greatest. we were the best and for a second. no one will remember but us, the flash the spark we were and then were over. and now i say goodbye. and i love you.

impossible unique

I can love you
seven. eight
days a week
our love
in / of

the snake

a nation
the lake

a question mark formed
around the life form
inside of us

thirty-two seconds
to unconditional

a timeless future awaits
spirits on dates
drifting down rivers
of corrugate

heartbleed city
who knew


yearning for the night
predawn of artificial light

candles. burning
lifetime supplication
in / of oxygen

fall asleep breathing
in / of love
impossible unique

not the same old narrative on a fog bank overdrawn

take all the pictures
marry them silently

take all the i’s (before e’s)
teach them selfless living

strange to suddenly see
receipts of deceits returned
to the store

impossible unique

strange / dear god!
so suddenly free

no longer above
no longer below
candle wax flow in
and of love


i am looking for
to have and
to hold and
to crush
on to death do
we part

i am self
i am self seeking
to make me
whole to make me

i am interested in
a pharmaceutical
a cutey
a cut above the rest
a pillcutting
precision marching
prisoner of love

a chain gang
peptide talking
walking atomic
free from mistakes
God never blunders

i am looking for you
and i get what i want
you will love my decision
toward your realized

some day
when i tire of
your birdcage delivery
i will set you free cause
i love you so
free you
hide !

to those who are true and not afraid

Yes, this is all i can tell you. we loved one another for a very long time, okay. the flowers you braided in my hair i then pressed close to my heart, petal by petal, colors bleeding into my bloodstream, then out my pores and touching you touching me.

you carried me some times, part of the way. this was my path in yours. we could fight it, or we could like it. Or we could try to like it or love one another and our selves through it, embrace it, take it, appreciate it, hold it in our hands and hold it up to the light, let it reflect in the light. Absorb the light and take notice of the shadows also where they recessed. how they came over and dampened the heat of the white light, softened the potency…

The lines in our skins, the patterns, the spirals, the curve that our eyes traced and followed, lost and found, dipped into and cooled, rose out and ascended with our spirits to the open air. The boys who showed love all the time on front street. some curious wondering. most admiring. nice and sweet. strangers and how we meet.  and we made an organic whole. the wholeness we saw, they saw and reflected back to us. well that would bring on smiles. that would last, remember? for a little while at least.

we were really of the same kind, the same blood. This would only matter if we cared to come in line and believe in it, the world, in us, our family, in self, our selves. This seemed to me, the youngest, another chance for that to die for kind of attention. Received when i was not wanting or needing something impossible for you to give. Because this is true. That we are our most formidable challenges. This i would risk it all on. The whole house I do not own. The health i still possess, on a youth level. A phsyiological level.

The psychology is only so prominent as our experiences. The heavy traumas are fresh and remembered in my daily life, i cannot help how they run. They run sometimes close to the surface like salmon running home. The subtle ones are deep running, like they do not move at all, my eyes might suggest. Nothing going on down there, just peaceful easy subcurrent substorm lethargy of egg guarding and backward pull of crayfish tailspins. Yes, these are subdued or so seem. But you and I we have together swum the waters from top to tail. We have gone with, against, and stubbornly for the sake of love and love lost… i can say embedded in my heart, i often most did so unremitting and unfashionable. not so pretty, and without fail.

Well at our best we were grace. Full of grace. Inspired by our mothers. Mom, i love the gift she gave me in grace.  They had more to give, our moms, they could now but they refuse to part with their wisdom. Why? Were the transgressions of our youth so devastating to cause the divide? To deny us these wonderful blessings? Failure to give with the not knowing of outcome or consequence or even the course of the ride through to the outcome.  We have lost their expectations.  We are no longer predictable in any way.

Who will ever come to familiarity with the methods of survival in a relationship which manifested seven years of sincere absence? Who will not bleed by this Conscious impact? Who will feel the violence of this horrible Truth through omission? Rendered what was once a great and savory fullness of love and life and laughter and tears, to some empty background behind form, some staged back blender. The efforts to blend are lost even, as may be the efforts toward translation, communication so long lost. Why?

We long ago stopped asking …

we long ago lost the towns that sheltered us, the homes receding, the wood thinning, the blankets smothering, the smiles insincere, the feeling when the one who made you cannot forgive you. Digging subconsciously. Mining for the passion that once sustained the momentum you all started, when you contribute to creation.

Long before february first, nineteen seventy-three… even before my brother was born… before june, nineteen seventy….   before my love she came to be, before  may…. What happened to that love? All we feel today… is the

shy light

shy light, 2011 by Katya