you got some new clothes
eyebrows threaded for the occasion
watching two films at once
(flashbacks included) at the movies
when you fell off the pulse
you had access to the words to ask him
for kindness please and promulgate
the connection
#katyamills
watching the many screens
killing the endless hours and
they say there’s a heart in your chest
i don’t remember and they say
there’s thoughts in your skull
i don’t know. but it’s better
to be numb than feel
#katyamills
rarely to never at a loss for words
i find it kinda funny. must be a distant cousin
of trauma. i laugh out loud
in the company of strangers
#katyamills
the days unsparingly dull
then when they lay down to rest
the dreams like a thriller
replete with all the life they could not have
encouraged to be somebodys
project dependent and broken they
sometimes forgot
the best about them
self what was 4 keeps
#katyamills
some spirit set off the motion
sensitive lights triggered a memory
the world had forgotten and you
never would. they wanted you tough
growing up. had you up early dressed and
out before daybreak
missteps and tears rarely forgiven they
had been beaten out of them before
you
#katyamills
i got keyed up
tearful unable to speak
reflecting what you told me
had happened
they called me overinvolved they
said i lost perspective
they wanted to pull the case
out from under me. i
fought back 2 show it only
makes me work harder
to help
#katyamills
you cannot know them
sealed inside an envelope they
will cut you like paper they
are shredded beyond repair
you wish you could reach them you
wish to have them for tea
locked inside a trauma they
will cut you by accident they
are secretive. precise with words
senseless must they be
alone
#katyamills
i had to learn how to live all over again, after the trauma. i didn’t completely lose my ability to write or speak or communicate, but it did something to my nervous system, and i could not think clearly. my thought process was fragmented and tangential. my moods stood me up and walked me into altercations. my thoughts put on a show, racing recklessly into the night. i lived this way for several years. 7 years later i am doing well. i am calm and charged and can talk to anyone and look you in the eye. i am not easily triggered into fight or flight or freeze. i give thanks. i dedicate my life to communicating some hope to those who feel hopeless in the world.
years back
some awful stuff
i witnessed
i lived
i carried a diagnosis
ptsd
a gang of sensations
still oppress me
from time to time
this inability to relax or feel calm
for days on end. particularly around dreaded
anniversaries
i check the deadbolts again and again
and still cannot feel safe
in my own home
in the fellowship of friends
in my own head
despite the love
of family
i hope they go away
but if they do not
i can be thankful
i survived
Those who survived terrific and terrifying scenes of yesterday, survived simply in some cases today and tomorrow by not telling. Like authority or ego outgrowing itself — the truth was irrevocably exposed, and one could feel so out of place. Not making sense, all sense falls away…no grammar, no ruler, no rules. no meticulous edit. no beta.need.care.anymore. without any closure you-they-it has and have found recourse to-from…above-below…this. the very end. the beauty in live-to-tell was not in the telling. it was in not telling. or. surviving and not needing to tell. for now, you and all you have been through are known if not cherished.
K IS SILENT 