up at dawn thursday, first month of the year. i listen to the heater ignite off the pilot while drinking coffee from my union jack mug. the heads of the palm trees are bobbing, dancing. i see them through the window, signaling the storm. i think back on what i have accomplished and ahead to the challenges i face. into my sixth year (first year as a manager) for a nonprofit organization. i am responsible not only to my staff but also my psychotherapy caseload. stressed and tired i come home looking for calm and rest. while i wish i could be building community, i cannot always summon the energy. i tend to devote more time to my writing projects at home. i have to strike a balance to sustain physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychosocial health. there’s only so much you can do in a day. i am trying to devote more time to reading fiction. considering how life has gone this past year and what lies ahead, i guess what i hope for is to keep a spiritual core. move away from self-criticism or comparing myself against other measures, and towards acceptance of my life, as is. there are plenty of ways i feel disappointed. and while i want to allow myself to feel, i also want to check it against my reality, the context of my life, and show myself some love for staying on the pulse, and going after what matters, courageously moving forward in the proper direction. being successful in my chosen career. i am lucky and blessed to be alive and have my family and friends, food and shelter. i have enough cash on hand to navigate a capitalist society, and a fair amount of freedom to roam around and position myself in the places where i feel useful and valued. i am grateful for the gift i have to outreach to my community in ways i see i can help make a difference. thank you for visiting and reading. i wish you all the best today and in the new year. keep the faith. keep after your dreams. – katya w. mills
Outside the sky is a canvas and all our forms are drawn against it. the leaves this time of year make everything timeless like the day I was born.
they say it will be different but i don’t believe them. they say to get excited something’s coming but what? i am already excited. now they are reminiscing all of them but i don’t want to. please. i wanna stay right here cause it is all i can handle. yes, yes, i can celebrate with you! why not. this moment is full of potential and i’m gonna fill it with all i’ve got. please can i contribute to society in my own way? i am thankful when i can. i really love trains but not getting railroaded. thank you for letting me be me on this ride. loco. motive.
Someone you love, there’s a feeling you’re circling them all the while, watching out for them, looking over their shoulder; follow them to market, smile when they smile, across from them on the subway train, flickering light, blink when they blink, in the rolling uneven snaking through the city substreets. Thoughtful to your thinking, cry when you cry. Someone loves you, there’s a feeling they’re circling you all the while.
Maybe in 2016 we can put our Beats headphones on and drown out the world. Maybe someone will hit us over the head and we will fall in a snow bank. Maybe we will wake up and have a whole different take on life, seeing remarkable visions and offering to pump gas for people at filling stations. Maybe we will fall in love with the first person we see, and ignore all the subsequent restraining orders. Maybe we will get confused and our cell phone won’t be able to get us out of it. Maybe our confusion will lead us home, in a roundabout way, and we will recall 2015 like it was a long, long time ago. Maybe we will have our records expunged and our CDs sponged, and become honorary members of our households. Maybe we will get edged out by all the millenials, and feel special on the margins; a wide open space about to get marked up. That’s where we get to go and write all our notes, anyway. And when anyone looks back, they will only care about us, they won’t even bother with the mainstream. In twenty seventeen.
I gave up once, too. I gave up on myself a hundred times. It was really awful. Soulless. Blank. The only way out for me was to believe in myself and have a cause. I wasn’t given a purpose, I found a purpose. Something so much greater than myself. The forces, if you align with them, can give you courage to live authentic, I mean, to be yourself no matter where you are or who is trying to boss you around, no matter what your circumstance, you shine forth and brightly. And find that you are one of a kind, you are needed. And wherever your passion lies, you go for it, purposefully, with a giving spirit. In 2016, do not hold back for anyone or anything. We need you.
A link to my final poem
of the year…
may the year ahead bring you great
joyfulness. stay in the light! -K