undiagnosed

you was only five so full of questions and promise. could not stay still. got lost in your head in your dreams. setting your mind upon something was next to impossible. they thought it was cute until you got up in grades and got ridiculed. it became painful trying to conform and you dropped out of school eventually. something was wrong with you and I guess it must be you. you found work and got fired for careless mistakes and you were bored anyway so whatever. you found more work and lost more work and you began to believe you were stupid and bad and it was useless to keep trying. someone offered you some magic powder which blasted all the confusion out of your head. you went back again and again to the man. you went on like this in a new magical world of perfect clarity until you finally blew up your bank account and we all know how the story goes. after much trial and tribulation you were forced to comply and admit you didn’t know anything about life or how to go about it. when you finally heard the therapist say I think this may be ADHD and yes, don’t worry, there’s something we can do about it. you broke down crying… thank god… thank god… it wasn’t you. it never was. 

#katyamills

ph phrenia

i often saw sweet images 

as we pressed liquid into fabric

processing soy sauce for the restaurant

i kept this to myself for years 

until the voices began to speak to me 

you can’t make me do anything I don’t want to

i cut and stretched and framed the fabrics 

let me share with you

here. open your eyes

can you see?

#katyamills

past present

the diagnosis invoked tears
told they was stupid and slow
all these years
it atomized any need to apologize
being sorry was better than being attacked
the past still present
in they mind

#katyamills

in my mitochondria

i live with you 

you crossed into my mitochondria

when i was a kid 

and we are inextricably bound

at the cellular level

facing life together

depression

you cannot have me you

cannot control me you

cannot silence me

i live for those dashed upon 

your rocky cape 

whose spirits can be heard

in one hundred knot winds

whispering oh! if i had but one more day

what i would do!  

the sun has risen

the day given

you cannot have my motivation

my inspiration my 

determination

to live and fight

and love

#katyamills

methods for #mh

they turned the stereo off

stepped into the internal world with its rhythms

befriended the voices and made pacts

with adversaries

#katyamills

schizoaffective

some kids hear and feel and see stuff
we cannot. when they finally confide in someone
they are often disbelieved they
must be crazy. distracted from their schoolwork 

they become anxious and depressed
even suicidal. things will only get better when 

they find someone they can talk to who believes 

and maybe introduces them to a psychiatrist 

too if there is no other way

#katyamills

charm

i got some lucky floating colored dehydrated charms. the old raisin bran didn’t cut it anymore. i rode my bike ten miles after walking one. it’s like pressing depression on the carotid artery until it passes out. f-you, depression!

Yosemite. By Katya Mills

#katyamills

update

i got a promotion this week — Clinical Director — at tpcp.org… excited to make a greater impact for our community … listening and speaking from the heart … helping my team of outpatient case workers support our people out in South Natomas and North Highlands … life is more and more challenging on the streets … what with mental illness and socioeconomic challenges … cultural/racial injustices. i ask myself every day: what more can i do to help? at least i have a small platform and some skills to offer. 8 years clean off the hard stuff. what with the poetry, the books, my friends, my work, life keeps getting more and more exciting. planning to self-publish my first book of poetry, so far about 92 poems deep. i appreciate all of you here, on this our WordPress community. – k

march of the mobile homes

when water boils down

relationships and typewriters take

dust my health i try to care. the country the past

the future depression a sensual affair

worlds in the saucepan wander the

march of mobile homes. a paved road

beneath which all

life settles and

i won’t

you cannot care too much

i got keyed up

tearful unable to speak

reflecting what you told me

had happened 

they called me overinvolved they

said i lost perspective

they wanted to pull the case

out from under me. i

fought back 2 show it only

makes me work harder

to help

#katyamills