Process #2

Writing Process. Process is not content. Process is the experience between the lines. For instance. K went to the store. K got a stick of butter, a loaf of bread, a quart of milk. That’s content. K was worried, on the way to the store, that she would forget what she wanted to buy. Her memory kept slipping. She focused on the gardens in the yards around her, to keep calm. The warmth of the sun on her face. K was feeling good about herself for remembering all 3 items in the store. K’s happiness and self-confidence radiated such that other shoppers started saying hello and talking to her. This made K happy. This is process.

I experienced psyching myself out today, on day three of national novel writing month. I read some Moby Dick last night for inspiration. Melville had an excellent vocabulary. I met some of his words like old friends whose names I had forgotten. This was all very sweet, to be reacquainted like such. Helped me fall asleep and the nightmares weren’t so bad. Okay, I lied. I still had bad nightmares. I do almost every night. Anyway, I was coming off day 2 with a disappointing 400 wordcount, but I was still very happy with the condition of the piece. Quality over quantity. Better to not get too obsessed over word counts, and definitely avoid the urge to cheat and falsify counts in order to ‘win’. That would make me a sure loser in the end, right? But my mind always thinks funny things, like its best to exaggerate the numbers, Katya! Go ahead and do it! It will make you feel better and feel part of the other nanowrimo writers achieving. You dont wanna look stupid like you have fallen behind already on day 2, do ya? Well, do ya?? Shut up, brain!


So I wrote about 2000 words today. But only after psyching myself out completely in the morning. I had been obsessing over my low wordcount and my mind was playing tricks. I was out all morning. Checked the bookstore where they are keeping my paperback on the shelf in the front by the door, where the local artists should be. It was there. I appreciate the owner of th store doing that, and I cannot believe nobody has picked up that masterpiece of mine after one whole week! Haha.

Anyway, by the time I got sitting down to write, it was already 11am. It was Sunday, so my mind was again being a real bitch and telling me But Katya, its Sunday, let us relax for a while in front of this lightbox, the boob tube! Come on, Katya, day of rest, remember? You were once a good little Protestant girl, you got confirmed, you had a brief acquaintance with Jesus and all his disciples before you spun out on Buddhism. Come on Katya, on the Sabbath its time to rest. I don’t want to be exerted, I am your mind! Now be a dear, and lie down on the couch with me. We will write later. Maybe you will decide to find better use of your time than that silly nanowrimo thing anyway? We could go crunch numbers or something. Think about it! 

Wow. Shut up already, you mental mind. You beast, you. Stop pushing me around, or I will have to lobotomize you. Tin Pan Alley. Whatever. Okay, so I shut it off and got down to business for about a half hour before I folded. Only about 300 words and they were painful.  I felt really really tired all of a sudden. Truth was, my mind had psyched me out. I could not get into the novel, characters, nothing. I got suddenly very depressed and overdosed on coffee. Which just made me more tired. I yelled at my cats, felt bad about myself, and my cats put me in timeout. We all took a nice long nap together. Woke up very refreshed. Cats were curled up on either side of my legs. Very loyal little guys. They made me feel like a winner. Okay, now I am a winner. WINNING. I hit 2000 words today, when i started over after the nap. I also took a walk around the neighborhood after sunset, which helped clear my head alot. which brings my total to 4200 in 3 days.  i am really happy i decided to join this nanowrimo thing. A very good choice!