seek search ing

searching became seeking on an otherwise atypical weekend. seeking became leaking when the sought after was found and overflowed the fullness. leaking became luck when it just so happened the collection was rare and appreciated behind glass by the mass. luck became suck when the interactivity failed to give a deep felt sense of belonging both hoped for and needed. suck became destruction when the place got torn apart ina  rage. destruction became relief when they all realized how connected they were by the rage. relief became regret when they witnessed the damage they done. they thought the collection ruined, and history would miss out completely. regret was not set in stone. regret was reformed by the mission. the mission was to get up every day and pray to get out there and then actually get out there. be helpful some way to someone in need. the mission was showing yourself. showing up. making meaning where otherwise there was none. standing courageously on an edge. jumping in.

what was given us

the colorless moments of stressed inhibition

must i be always backed into a corner before i come

fighting?

a sea of bad news and brake lights

ahead

even tears and smiles

were a stretch

then

from that place of half flag summer fatigue

arose a current from the far

east

we would not know until we opened two walls

the windows

life came into the trees

i awoke feeling different

all the colors returned

time was no longer just a waiting for work

there was meaning

it was personal

it was yours

it was mine

channel

i found myself purposed to be an instrument of some constituent pie charted and marketed and television saturated and worked, yes, worked, worked to the marrow to grow some boundless fruitless profit margin i would never see nor feel nor benefit from :: i found myself channeled to evolve our nation, grow her right off the fucking map, people, not unlike the old English empire. less colonialism. more land. smaller navy.

i found myself
and decided not
to participate
whatsoever

drama by katya

now.here

here.now

Life makes its own meaning day after day. Joseph Campbell knew what people are searching for and it’s not the meaning of life. I want the embodied feeling of being alive. The vitality. This is a greater cause. Still I am driven to write the books I was chosen to write for the world.  Lately I feel I am closer to a wholeness of energy, a fullness not unlike tonight’s super full moon. I think it may be a payoff for all the obligations I’ve taken on. It’s an interesting experiment but I have to write the books. Nothing compares to how you feel when you do what you were born to do.

careless

one moment you feel little, then large, and in between. some hang on to your every word, while others wouldn’t know you exist. you care about something, you care some more, then the world becomes full with meaning and you couldn’t care more. you could care less.

eyelids. fallen like my guard

– cut #3

I suffer headaches

Tension too thick to mention
You know. I know. We all know.
I know we all know what is
about to happen
sentiments left touching
 thin air
original
 firm
 comforting handshake
 they had
time trails into some
second hand see ya
 later
lead into some
cold
   late
    lonely night pin cushion
 never to
return

you, too, would have left it that way…

like i had to…
let it go…
like i
did

you would have had me

 leave it like up and
    walk away would
not you
before you
found and held
and loved the fuckin
hell out of
me
mercilessly

to the expense
of my breath
of my lungs
pressing me

pressing in on me
pressing me out all whole again
in the end

goddam i miss you
goddam

a story so simple

Having to make meaning in life can be hard and worrisome, but if you think about it as a creative endeavor you can get excited and maybe transform the worries and pretrauma of knowin our bodies can only hold us for so long before they wear out, into higher energy feelingstates. Living itself need not be impeded by worry thoughts and despair. So scoop up that pancake and flip it over. It is bubbling and ready. I will sit here, waiting for you, and write a story so simple there are no names.

reading at home with cat

consider it so

maybe life is just a solar flare, bouncing around out there. a pinball of light pinwheeling around and around, regardless of sense, sight, reason, and sound.

what then would the matter, our fear and our worry? what then of the violence, the hate and the glory?

consider it so, said god, buddha, allah. consider it so, said the light in the darkness. consider it so, said the black hole.

and so it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was