remix 96

i ran the streets
she saw me struggling
my struggle became ours

october
cold days under big sky
leaves dead and tumble
pale faces passing

she saw with her soul
images in her head
she painted painfully
bold

while i lay on a couch
watching light
she swung herself over and
into my arms

dropping elbows into my chest
pinning us into the cushions

together
laughing

we ran the streets
we were young
all was told

gone the glittering
gold

-Katya
(remixing diary (1996) entries)

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go on with.out

go on without

I’m not certain why it’s so hard for me

to be around people, I guess

I may be sensitive.

There aren’t just unfriendly ones.

There are ignorant ones. Mean ones…

Yet the hardest kind of all

are the ones you fall in

love with

the ones you treasure the ones

you cannot go on

without

have 2 have

order what you like

I drink all kinds of cola
are you fond of fried potatoes
greens and beans

frijola?

play the songs of yesteryear
quarters to the slots
flirt the room

dusk to noon

rush the polka

dots

i don’t care
the noisy air
drunken sotted
atmosphere

all I want
(it’s the truth)
i have to have you
in a booth

a prayer. #archive 2015

i want only to live my life and let you go, please, may i have the courage to walk away and wish you well, healing and happiness and all the things cash cannot buy. no matter how many phone numbers are blocked, hurtful text messages deleted,  email addresses registered as spam; no matter how many doors i lock and photos i delete and letters i recycle, nothing changes unless i settle with myself. yes i am branded, yes i wear your imprint on my heart. and how can i regret, what with all the goodness you gave me before we fell out? those moments in love were unbelievable. i am incredulous, shocked, having lost you. years have passed and still you find a way to me. to hurt me some more with the painful rewriting of our history. please forgive me, but i must for my spirit and forever walk away from you. when i remember you, i promise to try and remember when you were the greatest. we were the best and for a second. no one will remember but us, the flash the spark we were and then were over. and now i say goodbye. and i love you.

over.cast

finite articulated outlined forms

are no longer sacred. they may be one thing today

and another, tomorrow.

our love is murky we cannot see the bottom.

the light takes on form, passing through.

my love for you is imperfect. overcast.

it never changes.
we can touch the sky.

was december

the month was turning over like you, beside me, in bed. i knew you would be there for me and that was the point. i got so tired of getting passed by and passing by and i began to believe i deserved more, i wanted more. but first i had to understand how to be alone and be good with one.

now it’s december and not so cold, anymore.