we fall

Has been
she was. she was a has been
looking quite seductive
attracting our energy
i remember with sadness
we remember collectively
the witches
the sufis
the mystics
the number people
those who lived and died by the numbers
and still do
scratched rolled
got high kick adrenaline off numbers
got lowdown dirt broke
laid over numbers
by the tracks
across them

A double cross then
on this one night
three times heated over
some petty useless argument
murderers murder over
(needed an excuse that’s all
they cannot kill without reason)
no real reason
just lost
double crossed
fumblin to get wide of my skinny jeans
on the beach
last night
tonight tommorrow
night

Some kinda player he fashions himself
me some kinda someone
he plays
well i was not gonna
open up for no singular double crosser
guess what
guess what if you’re guessing
(throw my sandy blonde hair back
over my eyes so not to give away
whats behind them)

Betrayal
the colors were changing my iris
cobalt blue turning royal
i am crossed in this setup
its painful. his means to my end

Just so
just so used to violence
always im touched. made to feel like giving up
you must be violent with the world
violent with self
violent with me and
i got the patch can you not see i
got the goddam medal
ya. still. you would get into it with me
the cannot be spoken and not even here
understood

Come here with your weak game to this ball of resistance
this wall. my existence
come here to my softness
and soft may i be
yet bold with flavor like
english breakfast tea

i won’t need a receipt
i will walk away before you chance to raise your eyelids
you never even caught me half mad out the door

Half mad
half out
half lost by
the door
half mad
half out
half empty
half sad
none innocent

Double cross
and raise you twenty
the poverty adds up
to make us poor

You your solemn sorry self
just trying to score
thought i was on the take when i wasn’t
Had you seen yourself going down
you could have would have saved your self
again recounting the drama the day drove into
your lungs when what you call a heart
is unknown to you

You who made the world ache
in the eighties what with
your prosperous nonsense you’re
unnecessary

You gave when giving itself was on the take
jake

a snake
a snake
reptilian counters your smooth wanna-moves

No one
not even that younger girl you had
down by the small towns the
small lake
a quiet night it was
and that’s what gave you away. too late
too late too late for her anyway
(she’s the kinda one im here to remind you of. hello)

If not myself
not myself
whom you clearly forgot
behind your made upedness
I would be
i was
worn out
my make up
well. just fell

Fallen down in cream mineral bare
essential straight loss
i gave up on you
and your double cross
you see. i crossed too. i had to

got prepared
had an agenda
planned it out
(what a cost)

Ya I wore the long boots skinny jeans
you saw. you knew
(you wanted it, too)
damn
i feel cursed
i feel cursed just like you
just so

Made up me and you the monsters
in this creature double cross feature
this sordid rendez-vous

Made me a star
i got the feeling awash over me like a little kid. i did.
whose feelings come like waves roll out like petals
to the song of the sun every day
opened up. in this state
were it blissful
were we pensive
houston
were we texas

No, no. no, i never been there. will you take me someone
i’m a star, remember
the star
i’m some star. right. and stars shine
they do. remember
they dont go
they dont go just where you ask them

Dont listen. stars. do they
(always gotta get some action)
You know by what you get…
what you got when you
ask them

Royal blue drained to cobalt
i hid this from you
you did not exist for me then
nor did i for you
goddam
you kill me
a little more every time

I’m tired. i’m tired thats why i’m talking to you
about you
because
to you
about you
for you… one nation of you (under you)…
fuck you

See
we fall down
it’s fall
and we fall
falling together
fallen down


over one
over all
we fall
we fall

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broken ends

broken ends never end

Sometimes I paint my nails. Or I polish them, without painting. French manicure is my favorite style. I like to grow my nails out and the paint helps strengthen them so they won’t break. But I play guitar so I usually cut them back. Or they break when I am doing the dishes or working on my bike. I have not been to a salon in over a year. I highlighted my hair myself, and there are many broken ends, but I don’t care, just let it grow. Life is full of broken ends so you might as well do yourself a favor and accept it and move on.

I don’t mind if I look wild. I rarely wear high heels or dresses. I never really did much anyway. I am fluid in gender expression, identity and sexual orientation. I have been with men and I have been with women. I have fallen in love with them, or not. I never really saw myself as one or the other, exactly, but somewhere in between. My fashion is mostly androgyn. I wear what makes me feel comfortable and confident. Because confidence is sexy. I am tall and thin. Light on the dimensions.

I’m not at all interested in being admired for my looks or my intellect. I would rather be known for a kind heart. I challenge myself on a daily basis to convey the loving spirit in my heart. I tend to get shy and reticent with people, I mean my spirit, which is why writing has been my medium. I learned early how to express my true self to you with words. And it is essential for anyone to shine in their own chosen way. So go on. Let’s not be shy. Shine!

pervasive sustainable organic sweetness

I was at a local cafe watching how friendly the barista was with everyone and me. She makes you feel like you have a personal connection, you feel loved. For women and kids (and a few men), she comes around the counter to give you a hug. I almost felt cheated to see that I was not the only one. How dare you love them like you love me. She put extra caramel in my macchiato, though, so I decided not to slap her face. She was tall and black and thin, and possibly transgender. Sweetness pervaded everything she touched. I trolled the bottoms of my cup with a straw to suck it up. I tried to listen to my friend who was monopolizing the conversation today. But I liked to listen to her, she was smart and funny, and I was tired of listening to the voices in my head. They weren’t very nice. Not today. They wanted me to know what a loser I am. They haunted me with the trainwreck of my past. More people came in and got more love. If it wasn’t for the caffeine and extra caramel, I would have made a scene. I could see they all thought they were special, too. Oh boy was I gonna put Sweetness on front street! My friend was talking about her husband and how he left his car unlocked and someone rifled through it and stole from him. She couldn’t understand how he could complain about it, when he was the one who left it unlocked. Apparently if you don’t secure yourself and your property in this world, you deserve to get jacked. I was not myself. I was more like a little bit of everyone around me. A little bit jaded. A little bit agitated. Even a little sweet. I needed to go out in the rain and get wet. Maybe I could imagine it was purifying me. I drove home enjoying the perfection of my new windshield wipers. Imagine life without windshield wipers. How exciting! You would have to roll down your window and poke your head out the side so you could see through your leather and glass goggles. When I got home, I stayed in and read the latest Stephen King book. Head candy. For breakfast I fried the eggs too long. All I could taste was the bacon and hot sauce. Someone blew someone up somewhere today. I heard a screeching scream and went out to see what was the matter. A gargantuan black cat was tormenting my kitten. Of course he took off when he saw me. Bully. I picked up my kitten and brought him inside. It’s okay, honey, you’re safe. That big mean old cat! If I could get my hands on him. I put my arms around him and kissed him on his spine and face. I smoothed out his fur and talked to him. Sweetness. If only we could all stay there for awhile. In our own pervasive sustainable organic sweetness.