smile the sad goodbye

they wore out

fabrics to allay the troubling

times one of rayon one

of tested yarn and rope

one of pheasant fur and birch one 

of hope they 

wore out welcomes

made of clay

quilted cloak 

of sunless days they

smiled the sad 

goodbyes   

 #katyamills

world bipolar

time made history we

shred the wheat in the bowl

soak in milk and 

digest. they lie in the mud

sheltered by big red hats

and flags. injustice

never ends. world bipolar we hope we 

retreat then take the stage

more colorful than red

white and blue 

#katyamills

hope ina hopeless time

back to the liquor store

for another scratcher you
poured a cup of coffee at the gas
station walked out
of town on the train
tracks you recited in your head
the smile the cashier gave you
the balanced smile


all the hope you
ever had ina hopeless
time

#katyamills

27.20

i had to learn how to live all over again, after the trauma. i didn’t completely lose my ability to write or speak or communicate, but it did something to my nervous system, and i could not think clearly. my thought process was fragmented and tangential. my moods stood me up and walked me into altercations. my thoughts put on a show, racing recklessly into the night. i lived this way for several years. 7 years later i am doing well. i am calm and charged and can talk to anyone and look you in the eye. i am not easily triggered into fight or flight or freeze. i give thanks. i dedicate my life to communicating some hope to those who feel hopeless in the world.

expiration date. sadness

one day you woke up feeling lighter. this was different. this was hope. it made no sense and could not be denied. the following day it was gone. the light was shining and the birds were singing but all you saw and heard was dead again. what stood out for you now was the recollection of yesterday’s hope, wanting another taste of that. so you got out of bed a little earlier. you saw the slightest smile at the edges of your lips in the mirror. you were able to sing some morose song by the Cure in your head.


– Katya Mills, 2019

frequency

Usually if i am feeling hurt, i want to hurt back. there have been stressful times in my life where i reacted and acted on my hurt feelings.

Patterns take shape and repeat.

These occasions, whatever the frequency, usually result in two feeling hurt, rather than one. and played out across the web of lives and feelings, we find we are all hurt a little in the end.

Patterns take shape and repeat.

Then the madness of friends or loved ones or just two beings facing off by accident or intention, looks on a chart of frequency of hurt, amplified.

Patterns take shape and repeat.

Because not only do i hurt myself anytime i exercise hurt upon another, but often another lashes back again, and the hurt goes deeper, and vulnerabilities begin to show, and we are hurting both selfsame and other.

Patterns take shape and repeat.

In retrospect, we see the violence inherent in such situations. and hopefully we look to find conscious ways to reduce hurt in our lives, not alone but together.

See the conscious ways?
See the first aid application on feelings? See the system? How we can do this, together?

See the choices.
Feel the freedom.
Hold the hope
together.