goddess of self-harm

In seventy-two hours I have managed to bite into my lip 4 times. I believe this is a personal best. If you add the paper cut I got, I appear to be approaching ‘goddess of self-harm’ status.

Shhh.

Don’t tell them they were all accidental. Please. I need my devotées.

casting madison avenue

fishbowl eyes

Our spirits, in the spaces between and apart and far from, are yet to be hemmed in, anyway, they sway in unison with and out of synch then, consonance and dissonance together holding hands, not necessarily about coming together by choice, some were forces above and beyond our bell curved comprehension, and more out of synch are the spirits with the reeds with the grasses with the grains. Ceres. Above overlooking the whole operation, downtown Chicago, casting Madison Avenue fishbowl eyes… against the grain as pressures come to bear in our espresso machines in our offices in our relationships in our lives.

devolver (foo+l=fool, -ii)

Once, a long time ago, before they devolved her

The land was a greater part peace and understanding. None of that hippy crap. I am talking about true serenity. Joyfulness. Free giving like freeware and wifi hotspots with open architectures are today. You understand. That which inevitably will be lost to us. Freedom seems to inevitably cost us. At least 364 days a year.

Back then, things were relatively pagan, without so much rules and laws. Life was muddy, dirty, but somehow the wear and tear of life made us clear. The scuff on the cuff of life, purified us. And she was in our hearts then.  She was sacrosanct. For a single day of the year, sometimes, usually a full lunar eclipse, or a blue moon perhaps, but for one single day we experienced true and wondrous freedom. I do not know how to describe it. I was feeling it in the eastern lands where i lived. St Petersburg, the heart of the greater lands before Moscow became preeminent. St Petersburg is where her heart resided.  The waves of her energy lapped gently into surrounding lands. Washed over the entire surface of the earth, they say.

The truth is this. The paradigm fell into a chasm. They scattered our world with insensitive tough brush strokes, taught us to live violently. Gave us guns. We dreamed of a world we once had. We dreamed of her. She receded from our realities.  Physical annihilation became just the usual. Just a few stiff drinks and dismembering words, before we flew out on our vacations. Participate or be outcast. The truisms became  internalized. Context became irrelevant.

I became secretive. I kept her to myself. She was my life. She fed my spirit. How could i dissolve her? She was generous with me. Gentle with me. Why would i devolve her? What they came to understand, became universally accepted. What had never been our truth, became a given.

So I became jaded. I became angry. I left my community and held vigils for her. In her memory. They had resigned her to the grave, but she would never die in my heart. I practiced great and focused mindfulness in order to calm myself and combat the confusion in my head. They called my kind witches and heretics and demons. They outcast us. We were remanded to the night, when all were unconscious.

History was being rewritten, right before my eyes. I was so sad and disappointed. At times my only sustenance was a candle and my cards, and the sweet music in my head. My friends had been taken and bound by vines. I cannot speak further of the atrocities then committed. My mind was confused. My heart was subdued.

Every night in my prayers, i efforted to ask her for all hatred to be lifted off my heart. I prayed for my community. Yes. The reignition of the flame of our hearts would be a tedious and slow process that would take generations. I knew. I knew like i know now, that each of us would be reborn (not in a born again christian way).  One ray of california light at a time. only some lucky days could i walk with the divine. today was one.