it was obvious

i was in pain over life and just breathin was hard
i was reading Franny
then Zooey

i was falling asleep
listening to the world series

bathtubs and smokes
ashes and water and
manuscripts too

nothing’s like 1955 anymore
but reading
listening to the world series
falling asleep

i was in pain over life
just breathin was hard
someone and their make america great again campaign
make america hate again

make america
force america
love america
hate america

we would be stronger together
our future president proclaimed
my boyfriend kept calling and calling
the ringer was off and
it was obvious

i gathered strength
all alone

i was thinkin about god
just thinkin about god
clasping my hands around my pillow
lying on my side

made the pain somewhat
made the pain
subside

journal

Journal # 10.26.2016

She fainted just right to get the proper attention from all the boys. One of the boys really wanted to take care of someone like that, a girl who knew how to position herself and lose consciousness just right, so she wouldn’t need medical attention just a boy like him to pick her up and carry her to a room to revive her in and hold her hand and give her a glass of cool water and talk to her sweetly. She practiced it and became skillful. The only hard part was figuring out how to really lose the consciousness, because this was something she could not pull off faking. She found she could take a really abstract concept and expand upon it in a way that caused her such mental anguish her body would tremble and cold sweat and if she simply refused to breathe for a moment she could reach dizzy level and then if she stared at the sun or a bright light or something and got ink spots in her eyes then she could put her arm over her face and bend forward and fall off like that. One of those silly abstract thoughts was about the messiness of life and shot off something like this… we were basically living things traveling through time and space, and interacting with what or whomever came our way, anything within reach would get the most attention and we thought about this with disapproval because this was awful, i mean, leaving people and places you care about behind and maybe trying to stay connected somehow through letters or phone wires or nonlocal means of astral projections and yet still sustaining the moment the business of daily life what with all those loves waiting wondering hurting cause they miss you so much and you dissed them somehow… HOW AWFUL!

Catcher in the Rye – book review

The Catcher in the RyeThe Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

I made a reading room out of my back room the other day. I put that big old chair that’s been getting decimated by the weather these past two years inside, and a blanket over it, and a light over it, and the first book I read in there was Catcher in the Rye. The same copy with the 1985 cover, you know, the maroon one with the yellow title. I got it from my family and now the pages are yellow and the cover fell off a long time ago and I pinned it to my wall behind my desk. I like to think my dad gave it to me in a really gorgeous way, like he told me some kinda sentimental thing with his eyes gone watery. I know that’s not really how it happened, though, because that’s what he did with his copy of Nine Stories. I’d rather he gave me Catcher than Nine Stories. Even if I liked eight of them. I don’t even know I still have Nine Stories, anyway, if you know what I mean. I think I may have just seen Catcher on his book shelf and just wanted it so bad I just took it. Stole it from my dad. Really madman. I feel so honored that Holden Caufield shared his thoughts with me, I would never go and kill anybody and blame it on the book. How come so many people did that? Way back before it was published, JD Salinger went to New York and read his book to an editor there. Up in some skyscraper office. He got so upset when the guy told him Holden was really crazy and they could not publish a goddam book with a goddam crazy narrator. They say he ran out of the office and was crying. They say that’s because Salinger was Holden. That’s what they say. People have a funny way of saying things as though they were truth, when it’s really guesswork… anyway, I know I’m talking about things you probably could care less about. You know what happens when I get to talking. I want you to know I thought of you today. Only for a little while, you know what can happen when I think for too long. I wanted all the thoughts to be good ones, but some of the not so good ones approached me too. I told them go away. They sorta edged up and stayed, and I realized I would be wrong to tell them go away when they had a right to be there, too. But I think you should read this book. It might not make you feel better, but it’s will make you feel. I think it’s very honest. I know it took me a long time to get there. But I got there, didn’t I?

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