knock down drag

you were workin several shifts 

holding it down. i was lifted hopin

this could hold up. you were

switchin gears then i tried 

you and we had a knock down

drag out. the dogs left howling

in the yard. a playful sun hid 

behind a cloud. then set the 

sky on fire. i. you.

we all come down


time slapped me

time slapped me an hour

Halloween was over and I was feelin pretty dismal, cause I had gone to the store yesterday and bought ten whole candy bars which i put in the freezer for the kids or myself, depending on if i got any trick or treaters, and it was over and ten candy bars were still in my freezer. The funny thing is, some kids had come banging on up the stairs and knocking on my door. Sounded like a whole busload of them. But the timing was simply atrocious. I mean, I had woken up a half hour earlier from a nap, and it takes me at least forty-five minutes to really be awake, my meds have to kick in and all that, and for sure I’m not ready for visitors. 

Not only that, I had thrown a few egg rolls and a medley of frozen vegetables into the oven and was sitting down to dinner. Not only that, but the world series was on the radio and I was actually captivated, it was the bottom or top of the ninth inning, a couple of young studs on base, the closer on the mound, and electricity in the air or was that just static. Whatever the case, I had no mind to go answering the door for an entire schoolyard full of kids. All I had was ten bars, anyway. They were liable to ransack my place for more. Kids today do stuff like that. They’re exposed to all that stuff on the internet, blogs and stuff; they’re like little hardened pre-criminals just waiting for the crime!

My friend Rick told me there’s fight and there’s flight but they always leave out the other one, freeze. Well that’s what I did. I froze like candy bars. It was hopeless. I would have to work up a smile, and that alone would take minutes. So I missed it. Halloween passed me by. Again. Last year I didn’t get any kids (and thank god cause i didn’t have any candy), and this year I did, but I blew it. I really blew it.

Long after the kids left empty-handed, I felt so bad I went out to the street to see if I could fish any stragglers off the sidewalk, lure them to my place so I could give out a candy bar. But they were all gone, why? I went inside and looked at the clock. It was 4am. No wonder. Halloween was over. I was feelin’ pretty dismal, and went to the freezer for a candy bar. The chocolate started to cheer me up a little, and then some guy on the radio was kind enough to remind me to set my clock back. Wow! Time just slapped me an hour. The day after Halloween already was shaping up pretty well. Old man time must have felt bad for someone like me. There’s tons of stuff you can do in an hour. Hell, I just wrote you a letter and I still have a boatload of minutes to play with.

the fight

i was in meditation with some brothers and sisters. the room was warmed by a large gas heater in one corner. about ten of us sat around a bench with some books on it. under yellow light. the serenity prayer carved on a slab of wood and hung from the ceiling, for all to see. some junkie’s dad carved it out. as a labor of love to the group that helped his son. outside the sun was gonna rise. there was a sound of a faraway train. there was a sound of metal scraping into concrete above us, as a car was driven into a guardrail on the highway, a block away. someone in the apartment building next door was ordering pajamagrams for her whole family and their pets, for xmas. she was drunk.

after the meditation, we were guided into a pleasant open sharing into silence. of your own volition. one guy who was evidently struggling with his disease, spoke up. i saw the fatigue in his eyes and face and posture. he was sitting up but his body succumbing to gravity. and his mind succumbing, to the gravity of his situation. a marriage on the rocks. and that was not the only thing on the rocks. he told his tough luck story and we listened. he made an analogy to getting in the ring with the champion of the world, getting beat down, then coming back for more. again and again. his wife was sick of him. she kicked him out, again and again. she was tired of the whole thing. you think? the guy sitting next to me said aloud with a chuckle. the man went on with his story.

outside afterwards, we were standing and talking about opening the heart to one another. how it could be hard, when trust was broken. and impossible, if you could not trust yourself. the man who had shared walked out and past us in a hurry. i got his attention and said goodbye, it was nice to see you . he said goodbye and turned and walked away. the man who had been sitting next to me, was now standing beside me. he said nothing. then, suddenly, the troubled man came back with his coffee and a finger pointed at my friend. he began to curse him out, for what he took as an insult earlier in the meeting.

the troubled man threw his coffee in my friend’s face, and some got on me, too. my friend was a big man. he got really angry and decided to throw down, despite my pleading against any violence. the two were determined to fight! they took off their coats and put up their dukes. doing that old-fashioned fists in the air rotating around thing, and locked in the step work, too. i was about to get between them, still shouting for calm, when the smaller guy rushed my friend, who fell back on the concrete and hit his head. he quickly got up and exchange a few blows. i ran into the meeting room to get the others, and they all came out and made some noise, and the troubled guy walked away, even more troubled than before.

my friend, he looked unhappy. i asked him if he was okay. he was sad, he said, because he lost the fight. but it was clear to all of us around, that no one had won any fight. the meditation lent clarity to things which otherwise may not have been so clear. those who had meditated appeared full of vitality and joyful, all of them. those who had meditated and then fought, were not.

Rolling allostasis -iv)

She was in her twenties, when she surfaced from the midsection of an iceberg, the frozen contents of some formerly fluid collective subconscious experience. In the middle of nowhere, mind you. A slow drip of unhappening. Congealed into living memories (consistency of molasses).  So she thawed from her heart out, and the ice around her began to soften in her light and heat, and collect supine at her feet. Aqua devotion. If water had hands… then prayer beneath her dry eyes. So rare did this sorta manifestation occur. The glaciers melt in their natural way before her. And she takes her damn time. You don’t hurry a glacier. You age it, like wine. Or wait for her to melt, to reference empirical evidence of global warming. Melting butter at room temperature. She never left the kitchen table. Painting her daily bread. Turning and turning yellow over time with the wallpaper. Gotta get worse before she gets better. Baby blue with white flowers, soft and malleable. Almost vulnerable, fallible – almost human again. As she wishes. As they want her. Sorry says the fight inside her, delivering the roundhouse Queen Anne Victorian style. Round one…TKO. From a frozen warrior #2 asana. Feel the heat. Sauna.

by Katya Mills, 2013

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