up.front

i am a mental health first responder
ina public health crisis

i am
hiding my anxiety behind
a facade. no. i am transparent with you
i want you to see you are not
alone in your stress your worry
your fear and anxiety

let us put it out there where we can
see it. address it. change it. not allow
it to run us or run us over
anymore

rest

you can get all the rest you want but you still need to find your rhythm in the world. if you lost yours, it can be a real bitch to get it back. you may need to stab your fears in the heart with a dagger and bleed out the yellow poison. then do those things that scare you, inject yourself back into the bloodstream and let go. feed your faith and starve your fear to death. i promise you an adventure like no other!

sea

the open sea

Underneath the surface all is well. Don’t let life get you down. Don’t listen to all those people who are waiting to be discredited before they will finally open their eyes. Beneath the surface all is well. The waves are only growing larger and more threatening where the sea meets the sky. You may be up there in your sailboat trying to stay alive. All the worries and troubles of your life making you feel them so. All the people demanding you understand. Underneath it all, nothing has ever changed. All was always well deep in your heart and you know you can go there. Have faith over fear. Go there now and be the calm that always was, and let them believe in you like you believe in your god and yourself.

fear and the medulla

Back in the desperate place the mind likes to take me, where the thoughts are all discouraging and fear walks unaccosted across the oblongata, tamping the vessels until blood pressure rises, I see that I am troubled and finally say a prayer, as my breathing heads for the shallows where the shore has disappeared…

from King’s ‘The Dead Zone

what saved me, this time, was drawing the Dead Zone, the paperback, up to my face, my nose tucked in towards the spine, and closing my eyes and inhaling deeply the scent of the pulp, which transported me body and soul into a lovely forest, some forgotten place and time,  from which this pulp was hewn.

the ides of march upon us, here is my wish…
may we overcome all our fear, live long and prosper
– KatYa, 2017

journal

Journal # 07.20.16

My new blanket, sea green, provides comfort against the squalls of the world. Wrapped in soft waves of blended cotton, I am hard to convince. Maybe it’s the celebrity twitter fiascos and heat waves, the political conventions. Maybe it’s the people who let me down. Maybe it’s the many gods, the guns, exploitation and fear. Maybe it’s my great expectations. Endorsements bought and traded and ringing in the ears, racial tensions expansive in the cities in the nights. How we go about reaching out for our implosives. Some of us are down on our luck.

 I am up on my luck and not scared to get close to someone in need. Outside of car troubles, empty wallets, degradations, and syncope spells… loneliness awaits the life of living on couches in cars on corners. Nobody should ever feel left completely alone. If all I can offer is my company, kind words and home cooking, this is what I shall give. No one oughta feel no one cares.
I pray that you will make it and come back to us like Spring.  For now I fall back to my routine, preservation of sanity, and settle down to read of the exploits of pioneers attempting to cross the Sierra Nevadas two hundred years ago to reach our sacred, sweet valley. Thank god for family and community, and cheap, blended cottons. I had just enough fight in me, in Walmart, to open mom’s palette beyond earth tones.

embrace your feedback loop

embracing your feedback loop parfait

There are days here and there where i really don’t care for myself, i mean, who i’ve become and what life has put me through does not appeal to any old romantic self imaginings. Thinking about it won’t change anything. All i can do is push on and try and kick ass today. Then i can feel good about myself. I wish you all the best, also, in embracing all of who you are, including the part of you that might be reclusive, antisocial, stubborn, emotional, scared, especially scared, lazy, unfriendly sometimes, even downright stupid or mean. So long as you go back and try to mend any harms. To yourself may you be a friend today. Push on and kick ass into tomorrow.