proz.ac

i was in florida and depressed when i discovered prozac and prozac nation. i liked the film as much as the book. then it jumped off the screen, off the page and into my life. my therapist referred me to a shrink who asked me questions, looked me over, took me for a ride for proper diagnostics, then wrote me up a script for prozac. i never got it filled because i refused to stop drinking. five years later i ended up on SSRIs. intermittent psychotherapy alongside antidepressants made it easier to get out of bed but it wasn’t powdered sunshine and it didn’t solve any other problems. it’s a cast. to be held together pharmaceutically until you can handle life without it. for two years i was in the sunshine state and i never saw the sun.

hero.ic

super motivation for
emulation

you say i saved you
cannot we both be one another’s
inspiration?
my trail is shorter than yours
i see you far ahead and what
has happened

weeks i was catatonic mired
in depression. could not write
my verses

we were meant to be
to resist to

fight this morbid tendency cannot
we read the story

aloud?

something about
being worn down and off

and out
so bad you become
real

water air prayer

i seem to always be working on the residuals of my mental illness, sweeping them up and out of my life. this is a maintenance thing, i mean, i have to radically accept the eternal presence of anxiety and depression. they no longer stop me from living my life like they did before (and after) i got clean, six and half years back. yet they are like a snake and threaten to constrict. i have to maintain and keep building. thank god i have a career that enriches me. i have a home and can cook my own food. i have my health and no longer take psych meds. the recollections of traumas have subsided though they sometimes resurface in nightmares and an uneasy mistrustful and guarded relationship with both internal and external worlds. i am working on self-discipline. my stress levels fluctuate but are more manageable when i eat healthy and exercise and stretch. life demands mindfulness. i am drinking more of water and air and prayer. i am devoting more time to reading and writing. i read at night, before bed. on weekdays i get up before dawn and write, more and more frequently. it is hard to build the life you wanna live but it sure is worthwhile.

response to a letter

You describe the mood swings of our lives so well. Life wants me around now, I can hardly believe it. It’s not so hard hanging on…the lows are not so low, but the work never seems to end. But it’s good work. It’s useful work using me. And I like it. Depression no longer has me in a stranglehold. I cannot be bullied into submission. I won the fight this time. But I know each new day is another round. K

bipolar. foaming

life and all its head aching
enormity

dull like old world
war weaponry
under glass

twist the cork to
the pop

bubbles burst over West Hollywood
neurotransmitters desperate
to breathe

out the dizzy head
gasping

the flutes
fighting for air

now i can do anything i
can write a book i
can read a book i
can call ten hundred acquaintances
make them friends
make them family i
can be anyone i
ecstatic applause
then static

underwater
ina drought
perspiring

life and all its head aching
enormity

dull like old world
war weapons
under glass

twist the cork
pop

bubbles burst over Hollywood
neurotransmitters desperate
to breathe

out the dizzy heads
gasping i

fighting for air i
in the gutter
below the booths

ecstatic applause
then static

underwater i
ina drought i am
perspiring i

effervescence
Hollywood
shouting and calling
singing

the flutes spill over
and over with
foam

effervescence
Hollywood
laughing and screaming
screaming and i

and i
i

the flutes spill over
and over with
foam