in my mitochondria

i live with you 

you crossed into my mitochondria

when i was a kid 

and we are inextricably bound

at the cellular level

facing life together

depression

you cannot have me you

cannot control me you

cannot silence me

i live for those dashed upon 

your rocky cape 

whose spirits can be heard

in one hundred knot winds

whispering oh! if i had but one more day

what i would do!  

the sun has risen

the day given

you cannot have my motivation

my inspiration my 

determination

to live and fight

and love

#katyamills

charm

i got some lucky floating colored dehydrated charms. the old raisin bran didn’t cut it anymore. i rode my bike ten miles after walking one. it’s like pressing depression on the carotid artery until it passes out. f-you, depression!

Yosemite. By Katya Mills

#katyamills

y

long we lived 

in darkness. wonder 

not y we worship 

the sun

#katyamills

the little things

shadows under bridges under

trains under eyes the postcards they 

got from a distant memory friend 

could lighten they darkest 

mood

#katyamills

eu.phoria

the world

whether or not you can keep up with her

provides random bursts

of euphoria

to live there a second longer

to live there to

live

#katyamills

march of the mobile homes

when water boils down

relationships and typewriters take

dust my health i try to care. the country the past

the future depression a sensual affair

worlds in the saucepan wander the

march of mobile homes. a paved road

beneath which all

life settles and

i won’t

proz.ac

i was in florida and depressed when i discovered prozac and prozac nation. i liked the film as much as the book. then it jumped off the screen, off the page and into my life. my therapist referred me to a shrink who asked me questions, looked me over, took me for a ride for proper diagnostics, then wrote me up a script for prozac. i never got it filled because i refused to stop drinking. five years later i ended up on SSRIs. intermittent psychotherapy alongside antidepressants made it easier to get out of bed but it wasn’t powdered sunshine and it didn’t solve any other problems. it’s a cast. to be held together pharmaceutically until you can handle life without it. for two years i was in the sunshine state and i never saw the sun.

hero.ic

super motivation for
emulation

you say i saved you
cannot we both be one another’s
inspiration?
my trail is shorter than yours
i see you far ahead and what
has happened

weeks i was catatonic mired
in depression. could not write
my verses

we were meant to be
to resist to

fight this morbid tendency cannot
we read the story

aloud?

something about
being worn down and off

and out
so bad you become
real

water air prayer

i seem to always be working on the residuals of my mental illness, sweeping them up and out of my life. this is a maintenance thing, i mean, i have to radically accept the eternal presence of anxiety and depression. they no longer stop me from living my life like they did before (and after) i got clean, six and half years back. yet they are like a snake and threaten to constrict. i have to maintain and keep building. thank god i have a career that enriches me. i have a home and can cook my own food. i have my health and no longer take psych meds. the recollections of traumas have subsided though they sometimes resurface in nightmares and an uneasy mistrustful and guarded relationship with both internal and external worlds. i am working on self-discipline. my stress levels fluctuate but are more manageable when i eat healthy and exercise and stretch. life demands mindfulness. i am drinking more of water and air and prayer. i am devoting more time to reading and writing. i read at night, before bed. on weekdays i get up before dawn and write, more and more frequently. it is hard to build the life you wanna live but it sure is worthwhile.

reading #222

AME AND THE TANGY ENERGETIC BY KATYA MILLS