al.lure

i lost my voice

miles from shore i

had no choice


the old rage and confusion 

the sadness yes i took the bait

jitterbugs 9 hooks

tore my belly up


i ran the line out to its end i

clean broke that red devil

flash! in the air


you ain’t never gonna

catch me 

again


#katyamills

chalk it off. fin

chalk it off as existential slowburn -iv

i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna tell you what i think will happen here because i always had hope, always in life i had hope. i wouldn’t want to describe a terrible thing to you. i wouldn’t want you to misunderstand. it kills me how we fail to come across sometimes. love doesn’t need convincing. i doubt you believe in us anymore, actually. can i say that? whereas my sense is you have tried hard and i have tried hard it’s just our ways of living here have shifted drastically from how we were raised and it’s an ever moving picture whereby we are ever trying to adjust. so, you see, i can and forever love you. i am that way for life, i know i am, and you say you are, too, but i don’t know. i don’t know why this fucking thing happened and please don’t ever tell me again that i’m some broken record, okay, i don’t even carry a philosophy to support that kind of talk – about waste and wastelands. i am humbler than when i met you. you gave me this. i am more quiet, it’s true, but not necessarily withholding or despising you for talking to me, as you presume. alot of it is just me internally looking at my situation and wondering how i could ever have imagined my life being any less than tragic, in the end… i love you. we’ve been through a lot and i won’t forget you, all i can do now is just live through it with you until maybe i need to live through it without you? i don’t know. it’s different looking one day to the next. the light. it’s just blinding. i gotta close my eyes sometimes.   -fin (from an old letter never was sent)

atomically bombed

Today i saw a man hold a cat in his arms, loving it like a child. Today i got so very tight in the chest that it hurt.

An unfortunate dispute with a toxic young woman, whose touch like unconscious betrayal. Yet close to my years on this earth.

The warmth vibrating for almost hours, before the body, dehydrate.

The cold-blooded toxicity poured freely into my vessel. I swear i tried to dam her! But unimpeded rhythms are to live by. And i need to know how you really feel.

And we could have been sisters.
And we could have been brothers.
Maybe, some day, we could have been lovers.

No use. All i could do was hold myself high and separate, in the end. For feeling all my feelings to the end. Even the most celebrated among us, shy away from great pain.

I will be the conduit of all the worlds triumphs and tragedies.
I will take it on and let it all go.
I will be forced on my knees, to find some disparate peace.

We all earned our place on this pounded round earth. With our gods. We run around circles, figure eights. Atomically bombed.

life fully hydrated -iii-

Sorry for the truth. Beforehand. I never wanted her, but she came and found me, stabbed me, and left me on the ground bleeding. And that’s what needed to happen. I needed to die by her hand, truth, and be reborn. Fucking A right. The bitch found me and killed me, and she’s coming after you, t00.  Our world of confusion wants us confused.  A land where lies are institutional.  Now do you feel dejected, alone and insane? Need some essential space by which to breathe or possibly ‘recover’ ? Good luck, she whispered to me in that degenerate, hissing breathe. She ruptured my left eardrum. Pain for a half hour, followed by sleep. Woke up deaf. In the left.