loss 7

another loss – vii

it’s been over five years since I saw you, my friend, and I heard that you died this july. i don’t know if you ever really got clean, but i heard that you tried and that’s more than we could of said about us back then, when we were full tilt, chaotic. the new life in me cries for you, my friend, the old embers in my eyes glow in remembrance, i mean, i have forged a path in recovery and life has new wonders to share. i only wish you could have made it through, too. i relocated north of there, not long after the night we shared with music and laughter and our common bond. the signs had accumulated for some time, flashes of gunfire and madness and theft, and the trails and traces of my chemical romance had ended in black smoke signals, severely. my angels were there looking out for me, they saw me into my despairing, then gave me a chance and reason to change, and i implored God and let go and reached out and took up a new and renewable source, and brandished my pen once again. each and every day i can thank my loves for letting me live, and i wonder where were yours, where were yours? your star would have risen and lit up a world, and your daughter would have felt loved once again, and for her and for you and the world i am sad…
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one

journal # june one

Couldn’t stand you but
the weather was
fine

I was under it when we got home
and the heart seated in the center
of the bloody thing
making it go

Organized chaos and classified a mess
your up style had gone down
the eggs scrambled
mostly whites the yolks fell
outta fashion

Couldn’t stand it
i mean together

The coffee was too
white i mean
mixed
up with what the cows
gave

I think it all started
i mean ended
in 1992

chalk it off. fin

chalk it off as existential slowburn -iv

i don’t wanna do it. i don’t wanna tell you what i think will happen here because i always had hope, always in life i had hope. i wouldn’t want to describe a terrible thing to you. i wouldn’t want you to misunderstand. it kills me how we fail to come across sometimes. love doesn’t need convincing. i doubt you believe in us anymore, actually. can i say that? whereas my sense is you have tried hard and i have tried hard it’s just our ways of living here have shifted drastically from how we were raised and it’s an ever moving picture whereby we are ever trying to adjust. so, you see, i can and forever love you. i am that way for life, i know i am, and you say you are, too, but i don’t know. i don’t know why this fucking thing happened and please don’t ever tell me again that i’m some broken record, okay, i don’t even carry a philosophy to support that kind of talk – about waste and wastelands. i am humbler than when i met you. you gave me this. i am more quiet, it’s true, but not necessarily withholding or despising you for talking to me, as you presume. alot of it is just me internally looking at my situation and wondering how i could ever have imagined my life being any less than tragic, in the end… i love you. we’ve been through a lot and i won’t forget you, all i can do now is just live through it with you until maybe i need to live through it without you? i don’t know. it’s different looking one day to the next. the light. it’s just blinding. i gotta close my eyes sometimes.   -fin (from an old letter never was sent)