hear.t.breake.r.

i was so looking forward to your visit, seeing you for the first time in 15 years. my blood. my cousin. the only one i’ve got, i mean, the only one i get to talk to anymore. i saw us roaming up to tahoe and down to san francisco, maybe over to the ocean. they had us pinned for black sheep all those years and we survived. i am closer to you for it. how my heart breaks to know you cannot come. what a crusher. okay. so i’m angry, so i’m sad you called it off. these are just feelings. the most important thing is your health. it’s god’s will.  i am close to you, all these miles and miles away.

books

i was invited to Folsom this week by a book club to showcase my work and meet some who read my first serial fiction. i had a blast and got to share my process, and listen to some fine critiques of my work. now i know i cannot fool anyone and why would i? good books can sell and weak books sell, too. i am determined to publish only books that brought out the best in me writing them. blood, sweat, tears, and coffee. it’s no use to be loved or hated if you cannot take pride and stand behind your little offspring-creations.

simpatico

I got out of simpatico when I began to speak the plain truths. It was useless trying to be liked all your life long. No one who liked you would make it to your funeral, anyway, due to the inconvenience. Find a way to be helpful and get out of yourself. You don’t have to like yourself, either, I discovered. Self-deprecation was less static and much more fun. There was a dog bit me while I was running up over the rails to the river, yesterday. A little brown Pekingnese with a seething growl rolled up on me and bit my ankle at the joint. I coulda started yelling at the river rats who owned it, about a leash and tags and sorta legalese. But I already was detested enough by their dog. I checked for blood, and there was none. So I kept on running and started thinking how long it had been since I got bit by a dog. Maybe twenty years or more? About time.

people work better when driven (insane) -v)

Such was life, hold the tv. After the last dollar was spent at the dollar store, after the last hand vigorously shaken by successful mall recruiters, after the last, shiny remnants of humanity sunk into the glistening parking lot tarfill….whatever was left of us shrunk softly and quickly back into the vortex of  tv, hold the life. The only thing could awaken a man to venture back out, was the promise of a woman. The women would be lured back out by their children, of course. The children had the time, energy and naivite to go out again and again, and demand more. They damn well deserved more! Truly. In their machine-washed clothes, eating their fast foods too quickly. Wondering what was the purpose of papermade books were. Drinking their teeth clean of flouride enhanced waters. Sucked into screens, labels and the temptation of high fructose corn syrups. Over or under most recommended daily allowances of various vitamins and minerals.

So what was it coaxed you and me out of our shells? Out of our mobile and anchored homes? Out of our me-tv schedule scaffolding? Who or what held out the promise of the driven? What got the working men and women out of their birthday suits and angry bird slippers, and back on the not so high speed trains to their less than inviting workplaces? Was it Yerba Mate? Cocaine? Amphetamines? Fear? Was it patriotism? Capitalism? The desire for greenbacks? Dead presidents, fresh in the hand? Was it cream? Cash rules everything around me? Was it attraction or promotion? Was it some new fragrance free working man’s lotion? Witches brew or magic potion?

k by k

k by k

Or maybe we just needed a haircut. A break from the monotony. A thirst for a bigger box to live in, just for a day. Maybe a virtual mentor in the shape of a paperclip appeared to us, on our screens. Maybe an outfit had to be picked up at the drycleaners. Or a package, at the postoffice. Or some money needed laundering. Maybe the permit to gloss over guilt or shame for being layabouts, expired. Maybe the sun or the moon revved us up? Maybe a declaration of war that would be neither seen, felt or heard. Maybe it was some doctor’s orders. Maybe the meds needed refilling? Or the cavities needed filling? Or did we fall out of our apartments accidentally, after we fell out of bed?

Maybe we had not woken from some dream where we were in some strange land where we became filled with adrenaline, time and time again, and crouched like tigers and cats to pounce upon our next meal. Some strange land where we were hunters again. Even gatherers. Not just gathering moss, while stoned. Maybe in this bizarre fantasy, we were also foreign to the concept of being entertained. Maybe circus people were more acceptable, even praised? Maybe we were the freaks in our dreams, maybe we were america’s least wanted! Those of us who lived in front of stage, watching, listening, applauding, cheering, eating our throwback dinner theatre fare, one course at a time, one act at a time, frozen solid between the closing and the opening of the curtains, or drinking ourselves into a chablis coma. Boxes of wine on the luggage carousel, circling the wagons made of stone, parked right up under your grill. Cream puff for desert. Aperitifs: at the end.

Maybe the hands of time were touching toes, then can opening counter-clockwise outside of our attention spans. One length short of a blueprint. One donut short of a dozen. One act short of a play. One tab too many, and now the escape key won’t get you out of it. You get the message with the sad face an artistically-declined elementary student could have drawn: kill page… So you do it. You kill it. Like you were told. You stab it with the steely knife. The curtains come down like a fuckin’ guillotine! Sweetheart! See how it snapped?  The dust off the velvet end? Just like that. Just like us. Just short of ye olde wooden floor a thousand Caesars and Oedipis and Hamlets have dragged their sound and fury across, demanding of themselves nothing less than a miracle.

Then, after hours, after blood, after sweat and tears, leaving you and me. Leaving me and you, in our own silence for a second. Our own magnificent silence… the most beautiful, sacred moment of the whole damn affair! The chance nobody knew they were taking. Complete darkness and silence. Envelopes the air. Brings a semblance of peace, to our cream puff war. Before being upended, and lost in applause. Just like us, sometimes. Beautiful, wonderful, delicate. We are. For a moment. We are…before being again upended. And lost. In applause.