my life was self destruct set into slow motion
my tailor drug and drink
subgenre rebellion
in the age of deconstruction
the undercurrent identity
for it would never be okay
to not be who i knew
i was
#katyamills
Tag Archives: addiction
decade
ten years before
on the brink of madness
they slept rarely and up all night
emotions swallowed them
there was nowhere in the world
they knew to be safe
ten years on
they would never forget
the terror of the past
and each and every new sunrise
they was inside and out
radiant
#katyamills
farewell to a peaceful sunday
it started so well. a cool morning after a hot day in the valley. my love came to see me and we read the newspaper together on the balcony. like any couple on any sunday morning going back a hundred years. the prime minister of Japan had been assassinated. i went to prepare coffee and discovered one of the cats was missing. somehow the front door had been left open. my heart sank. we searched and searched. i called and whistled and called before falling into an emotional flatland. i went online to distract myself from the shock. one of my old friends whom i survived addiction with – initials DC – had been homeless on the streets for many months now. farewell to a peaceful sunday. #katyamills
wanted
they was wanted
on any road traveled
east and south and west and north
an unsparing desire
in some bar
on any street corner
sleeves rolled up
for a fix
#katyamills
2012
leading a protest against
emptiness i was
in need of SSRIs
held up by hairspray
insides like jello
lookin sorry
played out
feelin neglected
relationships faded i
could not synch the
clocks i was checking
all the locks
i found my
own way out by god
that’s life
#katyamills
remix 2012
polaroid
you
are the life you are the
hard seasons the
recipe dating generations
back
careless restless and reckless
the soft viable understanding
at the end of a great confusion
soon escapes you
owls in the night upset
your blood pressure you
throw parties you create
and destroy
you drink endless glasses
of milk and bourbon you
call and no one answers
you
raise high your fists you
splash around dark thoughts
and then
and then one day
you give a damn you
really do you seek forgiveness
and the strength of
conviction
you change but all they see
is a snapshot a
polaroid
you upset the blood
pressure you reek of hard seasons
recipes dating back to a great
confusion
all that is left of you
is your change
open your fists and let
your hands meet. look
up to the sky. may the soft
and viable understanding
save you
#katyamills
csus
california state university. sacramento. i got lost on the campus again, after dark. asked for directions no less than three times. i know why they call it eureka hall. the moment i found it i felt that way. the kids were packed in the classroom, florence gave me a big smile and i took my place on the panel. the three stories came before mine were nothing short of inspirational. i hoped my truth could keep the spirit alive. about halfway through my story i found the pulse. the faces began to light up. these are difficult memories to draw. i told them how i owed forgiveness to my dearly departed cat. around 2001 Raccoon turned on me and slashed me in the face with his claws. that’s when i knew what an asshole i had become, deep in the heart of addiction.
raspberry red
when we were kids a raspberry was a scrape you got running around rough. the kid with the biggest raspberry was honored for a warrior. i remember once when i was 8 i injured myself on purpose, jumped from a real high spot hoping i would break my leg. i ended up landing on my hands and sprained my wrist. i wanted a cast for kids to write their names on, and all i got was a sling and a bag of ice. i went on to hurt myself in decidedly dangerous ways in life. driving too fast in the rain, age 17, i hydroplaned and rolled my vw. i was known to put a cigarette out on my arm. i had a lot of one night stands with strangers. hooked up with randoms. addiction was my tried and true. i wanted to numb the shame that came of hiding and fighting my identity. that was my biggest secret. i was trying to protect myself. i ended up in jail and rehab after rehab until finally i had to face myself, take my medicine, and face the world. my lease on life was renewed. today i have learned to let the feelings rise and fall. be true to yourself no matter what. today i like my raspberry red. i pack a peanut butter sandwich for my lunch with jam.
K IS SILENT 