2003-2013

i moved to california from chicago hoping to renew my life. i was always looking 4 the energy to carry on. depressed and reluctant 2 try antidepressants after all the pills in china failed to help. some good people helped me get through the day by days. i got a job and sold my house in illinois. i bought a truck and read some books. i could not write anymore. not without cocaine and bourbon with milk. believe me, i tried. i carried a deep sense of self-betrayal (though no longer self-medicating and destroying myself). a better life was waiting to receive me. my demons were not done with me. i read more books. i walked around and thought. i enrolled in graduate school to study transpersonal psychology. i read William James and Carl Jung and Bill Wilson. i wanted to make a difference in my community. i had to teach myself to be responsible all over again. i had to be alone. to write without putting anything in me. just a cup of coffee or tea…ten years later i found the courage to really live.

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@99

whisky sour in my hand
somewhere near division
the heart got exploited
by the vision
turnin inward
on myself
awaiting the great
fade out
a
double zero
collision

last dream in august

this morning i am early to rise
a dream i had stays with me
but i do not realize until
i get a call from my best friend
who also is early to rise

i begin to share with him my dream
for he was in it and in it
i dialed 911 because i was worried
about him

the officer on the phone
listened and asked me questions
then calmed me and reassured me
it was good that i called and said

i had no need to worry any longer
about my friend. and
gave me a bible verse
Corinthians 3:16

i remember!
my friend asks me do i know the verse?
i do not and i do not
 often read my bible anymore
when i look up the verse i
cannot even get through it
without fighting back tears
Do you not know that you 
are the temple of God 
and that the Spirit 
of God dwells in you?

remix.

life got painful you
could not take it anymore so
you found a corner
to cut you got caught you
were young
that’s what we do
we make mistakes
we are reckless
learning to live
today the pearls are strung
thrice around your neck
turkish coffee drips into ceramic
sheltered by hands
nails
translucent like newborn sea shells
all that ever happened
in your eyes

remix.

colorless moments of stressed
inhibition must i be always backed
into a corner before
i come fighting?
a sea of bad news and brake lights
ahead. even tears and smiles
a stretch
then
from that place of half
flag summer fatigue
arose a current
we opened two walls
the windows
life came into the trees i
awoke feeling different all
the colors returned
time was no longer just a waiting
for work there was meaning it
was personal it was
yours it was mine

remix.

i was moody
i was ready i was
running through a field
i was young i was
adventurous
i was heading for a fall
you were walking
you were friendly eating raspberries
off the bush
you were older
and reticent and you
wanted to protect me
we were unlikely bound for friendship
in a deep and southern
town we drank orange juice
walked the shoreline painted
fences stood us
down