you were headlining. i was redlining

I dated this girl for a long while. We fought a lot, god did we battle. My blood pressure must have topped out several times, I got dizzy. Sometimes I was sure I was a second away from my heart exploding in my chest. She was headlining. I was redlining. Suffering the embarrassment of being overheard by strangers, yelling and screaming. The cops came a couple of times. That’s how bad it got. I was in love and I felt betrayed. We were in love and we both felt betrayed.

Promotion is annoying and i’m trying to move away from it. It’s not like i need the money, i already have a decent career. Of course celebrity’s a fuckin joke in this country, who would ever wanna promote themselves into a known quantity, only to be claymation warped by TMZ? Probably not you and definitely not me. Obscurity is a wonderful home. i wanna appreciate being unknown.

You mostly wanted things to go your way, you wanted me to acquiesce. I was not the type to give in; lawyers on both sides of my family. We were together and I was mostly supporting us, but you tried. You kept saying you were gonna get off disability and get a job because you were not really disabled, and you were a pretty convincing liar. I wasn’t in the mood to be mastermanipulated but I had faith in us and hoped for the best. Like growing up. I don’t have to wonder why I cannot trust anyone too well anymore.

Just to feel you mean something to someone. like you get me. you appreciate me. thats really fukkin awesome. if i can hold on to that, i wouldnt need to be in pain maybe… and of course, when i stop working on stuff and get passive get lazy get tired and uninspired, the pain re-arises cause when i’m not doing i’m thinking, and when i think too much or for too long, I create imaginary problems and begin to think they are real. I think it would be better to be with someone, just be with someone, listen to them, talk to them, appreciate them, love them.

It doesn’t really matter who.
xxx KatYa xxx

4 responses to “you were headlining. i was redlining

  1. how many times do we go through ..a failed relationship (and I say failed) based on gut instinct …im not certain if we grow from these failed relationships …or indeed if we learn much about ourselves …except (the lack of trust )so we tend to push people away … then we ask ourselves how can we reinvent trust …what qualities do we search for ….you know what ….there is no safety in trust …life is a risk …as new friendships are a risk ……just maybe there is a mr or mrs right around the corner …and we will never know if we do not risk it ……….

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think we can grow and learn from them if we are open to seeing some stuff we wont care to look at and yes Ken i agree life is risky i guess we take the risks until we cannot take it anymore


  2. Poignant and relatable to so many aspects of life. I curl up in your last paragraph and recognize my home. Work to keep anything going – love, career, passion – hoping to keep the thoughts at bay. Keep running, so you can’t get caught in your mind whirlpool.

    Incredible write.

    Liked by 1 person

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